One Christmas long ago I wanted more than anything to get a Tiny Tears doll from Santa Claus. When I ran to look under the tree in the morning, there was the most prominent lack of Tiny Tears (or any other) doll. I was the one in tears, and my father took me up on his lap and explained the facts of life; the facts that matter to a little kid, about not always getting what we want and being grateful for what we actually have been given. I still remember that disappointment in the pit of my stomach, and the thoughts in my head, not caring about the stupid nightgown I had received, but wanting, aching for that doll.
My Dad was correct, of course, as parents usually are; we don't always get what we want. But if we try, we get what we need, if we are lucky. . (Hey, I could write a song about that!) Nowadays a lot of parents seem to be leaving out this lesson as they raise their children. When is the last time you heard, “Can I have this?”, or “I want this!”, or “I need, need, need it!” If you have a child or a “tween”, probably five minutes ago!
I overheard these words in a store last week and I thought that the mother was teaching the idea of 'save first, spend later'. She was telling her daughter they could not afford to get the item now, and they would save up to get it next time. But instead that child learned that if she whines long enough Mom will give in, and it matters not at all if the money is available or if Mom says 'no' a few times. Wail, whimper, and complain, and you will get what you want. All it costs is a few minutes of harassing your parent. There's no down side to this, from the child's point of view.
However the parent may be exasperated and angry with herself for giving in, and feeling she's been manipulated once again. Even if monetary cost is no problem there is the longer lasting effect of all the whining that's coming in the future! Make no mistake about it; this little eight-year-old is going to be an expert manipulator by the age of twelve, and fourteen, and sixteen…it's not going to stop until someone steps in and says, “Enough already!”
So what does a parent do? It is not easy to say 'No” to the people we love more than anything in the world. We want to give them everything, and see them happy and joyful. I certainly want my children to have everything good in the world, and I think they deserve it all. After all, these are the most wonderful children on Earth!
Does that mean my husband and I actually gave them everything? You are kidding, right? To this day, 20 years later, our elder son still brings up the fact that he does NOT have Sega-Genesis! Poor, deprived child that he was, we simply did not believe it was going to do him any good at all during elementary school to be playing video games when he was supposed to be studying. He somehow survived this terrible deprivation, made it through college, and is still going strong despite his lack of Sega. Yes, he reminded us on a regular basis that everyone else had it, he needed it, and he was the only person he knew or ever met who did not have it.
It has only been in the past couple years he has admitted he is glad we did not buy him everything he asked for as a child because so many of his peers, who did get everything, have no clue about saving, budgeting, or planning for value in what they purchase.
It's the small decisions which have a profound effect upon us as we grow. Giving a child a quarter for candy is so simple, and saying no is so difficult. What can it hurt to give them little treats? It makes everyone happy, after all.
The answer is it doesn't hurt anyone, unless a person comes to expect their every whim to be satisfied on the spot. We all know young persons who expect everything they desire to magically appear before them; perhaps you live with one of these people. If you do, then you have some control over their future outlook on life.
The reality is that Life does not always give us exactly what we want, or think we want, at the moment or even years later. Life is not here to spoil us and satiate our every desire. Nature is perfectly happy to smack us up side the head if we don't pay attention. Take a look at the budgetary habits of people around the neighborhood; credit cards are over their limits, people are all talking about being short of funds. Yet there are children in every neighborhood with power scooters, electric four-wheelers, and growing collections of WebKinz. These toys are not harmful, but a child who has all these things may be learning there is nothing that cannot be bought, and the sooner the better.
What is the point of a four year old having four birthday parties; one for parents, one for step-parents, one for grandparents, and one for friends. The value is of course the love of the family, the most valuable treasure on earth. However, if the love is shown by a veritable mountain of toys and games, then there is a spoiled kid on the horizon.
How do parents control this? Some will request that people bring clothing rather than toys; this may not seem wonderful to a little boy, but it is a boon to hard-working parents who won't have to clothes shop for the next six months. Other people ask for no purchased gifts, only the guests themselves to come and celebrate, and show the birthday child how much love and fun a family provides. There's always more money that can be earned, but we can never reclaim our time; spending it with those we love is truly our most generous present.
So after all this is said, what do we do about preventing the grab-itude and instilling gratitude in children? We learn to discern true need from desire. We say 'no' when there are legitimate reasons to do so. Lack of funds, a burgeoning air of selfishness or greed, anger at being denied, demanding rather than requesting; these are all signs that it's time to put on the brakes.
Did anyone say parenting is easy? But is saying 'no' worth the trouble, the whining, the tears, the possible displays of temper? Spoiled and selfish people are not grateful. They expect to be handed all they want. Life won't do that, no matter how much we complain, so you may as well face that fact and teach your children to face it while they are young and you can protect them and cushion the blow of denial. When they grow up and find themselves unpopular because they whine, or bankrupt because they had no concept of budgeting, you won't be able to solve their problems so easily.
When your child gracefully accepts 'no', and receives a gift with, “Thanks, Mom; Thanks, Dad, this is exactly what I wanted!” you will know your child has learned gratitude, eliminated grab-itude, and you will be very proud!
Diane Spoehr is a 3rd Dan Degree Black Sash in the ancient Korean Martial and Healing Art of Hwa Rang Do®, with 10 years of experience teaching children and adults of all ages. She has taught many children and their parents how to develop self-discipline, demonstrate courtesy, and achieve their goals. Diane Spoehr is the Head Instructor and Owner of the Hwa Rang Do School of Jacksonville, located in Mandarin and Julington Creek.
Website: www.hwarangdofl.com
Email: hrdjax@bellsouth.net
