by Naomi Aldort
Author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves
In a recent workshop a mother asked me what to do when someone pushes her toddler at the playground. I inquired: “What would you do if the wind pushed your child?” She responded with a calm smile, “I would pick him up and if the wind kept blowing I would take him indoors.”
When we don’t try to control and teach we are peaceful, as we are with the forces of nature. We don’t scold the wind or try to change it. We don’t go back to the past to find someone to blame. Instead of judging, we respond kindly to what is in front of us; the last outcome of whatever happened. A crying toddler on the ground needs a pick up, a kiss, brush off the sand and maybe a move to a different location. We care for the child and it makes no difference if the cause is a dog, a biker, the wind or another child. By offering care we create solutions while teaching compassion and peace.
Most of us have learned from our parents to manipulate and control what we judge as "wrong." Yet, if we question our own assumptions, we discover that no one is “wrong.” Every child has a valid reason for her actions or words. We also discover that moralizing does not teach what we are trying to teach. Instead, it shames the child, which results in more aggression, or issues of depression over time. It is kind response that results in children’s responsive and caring behavior. In my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, I offer the SALVE communication formula, which is helpful in gaining clarity in tough moments.
Avoid adding to the struggle:
Often we panic when there is no real problem or we try to coerce one child to do what we think, which is unlikely to bring honest cooperation or peace. Once we realize that our punitive perception is rooted in our confusion, we can notice the child's valid intention and instead of judgment, we can then offer help (if needed).
As we continued our inquiry, the toddler’s mother explained that the girl pushed her toddler after he was taking her bucket repeatedly. The girl was absorbed in sand play and was not about to share the bucket she needed.
“Shouldn’t she share? Or shouldn’t her mother tell her to be kind to a little toddler?” asked the mother. “Only if you want to create struggle and teach entitlement” I responded, “If you want to bring peace and teach emotional competence, treat it as though the girl is the wind and you will know what to do with complete clarity. Trying to coerce the girl against her will would be disrespectful to her and as useless like fighting the wind; you would be bring more struggle into the situation. It won’t help your toddler either; he would learn that he must change other people to get what he wants, and that he is emotionally too weak to face anything that doesn’t go his way. Such lessons brings struggle into one’s life - not peace.”
When we try to manipulate reality we teach the child to struggle and to feel entitled and needy. Instead, the mother could validate her toddlers’ feelings with, “You wish you could play with the pail and it is not available,” while gently removing him from the girl’s toy area. He would learn to be at peace with what is, to respect the other child, and to take care of himself. If looking at the pail is too hard for him, validate his feelings without drama, and go with him elsewhere.
The child may initially cry, but if mom doesn’t drown with his emotions, he will be done quickly and join her on the peaceful “shore” of emotional resilience. Children need us to be the shore and the rock they can rely on. When mom understands the child, she can respond kindly with validation and connection, regardless of whether he can have what he wants at the moment or not. Life is peaceful when we realize that everyone and anything is a nature phenomenon.
As for the girl; without the threat of adults trying to manipulate her against her authentic inclination, she learns respect as well as compassion.
The real lesson is not in what she ends up doing, but in how we treat her. If this was an adult playing chess and a toddler grabbed the pieces, it would never occur to us to give the adult a lecture about sharing. We would treat an adult like we treat the wind. Without the illusion of control - there is peace.
“I disturbed five times”:
I recall, in one family intensive workshop in our home, the children of both families were having a ball in the bedroom jumping on the bed and laughing while the mother was having a session with me in the kitchen. Every now and then we heard screaming. Suddenly the door opened and out came one of my children, four at the time.
He walked over to me: “I disturbed,” he started softly, “They said that if I disturb five times I will have to leave.”
I opened my arms and he climbed into my lap.
“I disturbed five times,” he continued.
I kissed and hugged him. I said, “You wanted to stay and play but you couldn’t help yourself? I know how hard it can be to control yourself.” I validated.
“I know,” he said.
“As you grow older,” I reassured, “You will get better at self-discipline.”
I hugged and kissed him again. After giving him more empathy he became quite and I said, “Sitting together, I feel so connected to you... happy to be with you... I love everything about the way you are.”
“Even when I disturb?” He asked.
“Yes,” I responded with a smile. “I love you because you are you.”
He looked at me and said, “Ah and his body felt softer in my arms.”
He stayed with me for a short time while drinking my unconditional love. Then he got up, went to the playroom and got busy playing by himself, completely peaceful and content.
Some parents would wonder if by treating a child so lovingly after he “misbehaved” I don’t “reinforce” the “bad” behavior. However, there is no “bad” behavior in the child, only in our judgmental thoughts. If I judged him, on top of the pain he already experienced, it would be me behaving badly (and literally programming his future aggression). With our recognition of the child’s humanity, he learns compassion and forgiveness.
In the present there was a child not allowed to play with the other children. I gave him love, reassurance, validation and an opening to self-forgiveness. There was no lecture, no “court house” style admonition like, “Are you learning something?” And, on the other hand also no trying to rescue the child by getting the children to take him back if he promises to behave well. No undermining the kind leadership of the older brother who asked him to leave either. No one learns that they are a victim or that they need to change reality and no one is bad, only human.
My child felt complete and empowered to love reality as it was, love himself with his current abilities and weaknesses, forgive himself and peacefully move on. Without any painful parental preaching, he learned that disturbing doesn’t benefit him. Validation of facts and limitations without big emotional drama helped him come to terms with reality. He also learned that his worth is not harmed by his fallibility. At the same time, his older brother, who compassionately gave him plenty of opportunities to stay, felt respected and empowered in his leadership role.
A child’s peaceful acceptance of reality is much more powerful than a dependency on getting things fixed or getting someone in trouble. He learns that he can experience intense emotions and express himself fully and that he doesn’t have to get his way to be happy. He can stay peaceful with reality. We can’t stop the wind so we are at peace with it. In the same way, children see life as what it is until we teach them to fight reality. It is the love of reality that is the source of true inner peace.
©Copyright Naomi Aldort
Naomi Aldort is the author of the best seller, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, (published in 17 languages). Aldort facilitates self-realization through parenting in Phone/Skype sessions, workshops and speaking events internationally. She works holistically toward a peaceful and powerful parent-child relationships from infancy through teens. Her SALVE communication formula has been praised as providing the best of The Work of Byron Katie and Nonviolent communication combined, and more. For information: CDs, articles, videos, guidance and a free newsletter: http://authenticparent.com
Author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves
In a recent workshop a mother asked me what to do when someone pushes her toddler at the playground. I inquired: “What would you do if the wind pushed your child?” She responded with a calm smile, “I would pick him up and if the wind kept blowing I would take him indoors.”
When we don’t try to control and teach we are peaceful, as we are with the forces of nature. We don’t scold the wind or try to change it. We don’t go back to the past to find someone to blame. Instead of judging, we respond kindly to what is in front of us; the last outcome of whatever happened. A crying toddler on the ground needs a pick up, a kiss, brush off the sand and maybe a move to a different location. We care for the child and it makes no difference if the cause is a dog, a biker, the wind or another child. By offering care we create solutions while teaching compassion and peace.
Most of us have learned from our parents to manipulate and control what we judge as "wrong." Yet, if we question our own assumptions, we discover that no one is “wrong.” Every child has a valid reason for her actions or words. We also discover that moralizing does not teach what we are trying to teach. Instead, it shames the child, which results in more aggression, or issues of depression over time. It is kind response that results in children’s responsive and caring behavior. In my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, I offer the SALVE communication formula, which is helpful in gaining clarity in tough moments.
Avoid adding to the struggle:
Often we panic when there is no real problem or we try to coerce one child to do what we think, which is unlikely to bring honest cooperation or peace. Once we realize that our punitive perception is rooted in our confusion, we can notice the child's valid intention and instead of judgment, we can then offer help (if needed).
As we continued our inquiry, the toddler’s mother explained that the girl pushed her toddler after he was taking her bucket repeatedly. The girl was absorbed in sand play and was not about to share the bucket she needed.
“Shouldn’t she share? Or shouldn’t her mother tell her to be kind to a little toddler?” asked the mother. “Only if you want to create struggle and teach entitlement” I responded, “If you want to bring peace and teach emotional competence, treat it as though the girl is the wind and you will know what to do with complete clarity. Trying to coerce the girl against her will would be disrespectful to her and as useless like fighting the wind; you would be bring more struggle into the situation. It won’t help your toddler either; he would learn that he must change other people to get what he wants, and that he is emotionally too weak to face anything that doesn’t go his way. Such lessons brings struggle into one’s life - not peace.”
When we try to manipulate reality we teach the child to struggle and to feel entitled and needy. Instead, the mother could validate her toddlers’ feelings with, “You wish you could play with the pail and it is not available,” while gently removing him from the girl’s toy area. He would learn to be at peace with what is, to respect the other child, and to take care of himself. If looking at the pail is too hard for him, validate his feelings without drama, and go with him elsewhere.
The child may initially cry, but if mom doesn’t drown with his emotions, he will be done quickly and join her on the peaceful “shore” of emotional resilience. Children need us to be the shore and the rock they can rely on. When mom understands the child, she can respond kindly with validation and connection, regardless of whether he can have what he wants at the moment or not. Life is peaceful when we realize that everyone and anything is a nature phenomenon.
As for the girl; without the threat of adults trying to manipulate her against her authentic inclination, she learns respect as well as compassion.
The real lesson is not in what she ends up doing, but in how we treat her. If this was an adult playing chess and a toddler grabbed the pieces, it would never occur to us to give the adult a lecture about sharing. We would treat an adult like we treat the wind. Without the illusion of control - there is peace.
“I disturbed five times”:
I recall, in one family intensive workshop in our home, the children of both families were having a ball in the bedroom jumping on the bed and laughing while the mother was having a session with me in the kitchen. Every now and then we heard screaming. Suddenly the door opened and out came one of my children, four at the time.
He walked over to me: “I disturbed,” he started softly, “They said that if I disturb five times I will have to leave.”
I opened my arms and he climbed into my lap.
“I disturbed five times,” he continued.
I kissed and hugged him. I said, “You wanted to stay and play but you couldn’t help yourself? I know how hard it can be to control yourself.” I validated.
“I know,” he said.
“As you grow older,” I reassured, “You will get better at self-discipline.”
I hugged and kissed him again. After giving him more empathy he became quite and I said, “Sitting together, I feel so connected to you... happy to be with you... I love everything about the way you are.”
“Even when I disturb?” He asked.
“Yes,” I responded with a smile. “I love you because you are you.”
He looked at me and said, “Ah and his body felt softer in my arms.”
He stayed with me for a short time while drinking my unconditional love. Then he got up, went to the playroom and got busy playing by himself, completely peaceful and content.
Some parents would wonder if by treating a child so lovingly after he “misbehaved” I don’t “reinforce” the “bad” behavior. However, there is no “bad” behavior in the child, only in our judgmental thoughts. If I judged him, on top of the pain he already experienced, it would be me behaving badly (and literally programming his future aggression). With our recognition of the child’s humanity, he learns compassion and forgiveness.
In the present there was a child not allowed to play with the other children. I gave him love, reassurance, validation and an opening to self-forgiveness. There was no lecture, no “court house” style admonition like, “Are you learning something?” And, on the other hand also no trying to rescue the child by getting the children to take him back if he promises to behave well. No undermining the kind leadership of the older brother who asked him to leave either. No one learns that they are a victim or that they need to change reality and no one is bad, only human.
My child felt complete and empowered to love reality as it was, love himself with his current abilities and weaknesses, forgive himself and peacefully move on. Without any painful parental preaching, he learned that disturbing doesn’t benefit him. Validation of facts and limitations without big emotional drama helped him come to terms with reality. He also learned that his worth is not harmed by his fallibility. At the same time, his older brother, who compassionately gave him plenty of opportunities to stay, felt respected and empowered in his leadership role.
A child’s peaceful acceptance of reality is much more powerful than a dependency on getting things fixed or getting someone in trouble. He learns that he can experience intense emotions and express himself fully and that he doesn’t have to get his way to be happy. He can stay peaceful with reality. We can’t stop the wind so we are at peace with it. In the same way, children see life as what it is until we teach them to fight reality. It is the love of reality that is the source of true inner peace.
©Copyright Naomi Aldort
Naomi Aldort is the author of the best seller, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, (published in 17 languages). Aldort facilitates self-realization through parenting in Phone/Skype sessions, workshops and speaking events internationally. She works holistically toward a peaceful and powerful parent-child relationships from infancy through teens. Her SALVE communication formula has been praised as providing the best of The Work of Byron Katie and Nonviolent communication combined, and more. For information: CDs, articles, videos, guidance and a free newsletter: http://authenticparent.com
